Hindsight 20/20-BFF 144

     While I was growing up my mom would often tell me when things didn’t go my way (which seemed to be more times than not), that everything happens for a reason. It may not be for us to understand now, but down the line the “why” would become clear. The answers I sought wouldn’t reveal themselves in my time, but in G0ds and oftentimes out of every catastrophe knowledge would be gained. I have found this to be very true and when things are going south, I now find solace in the “big picture” knowing that whatever trial I am facing will result in a lesson well learned in the future. There is a reason for everything. When I am ready to be open to the answers I seek, they will be revealed. Even though I try to be optimistic and let go and let G0d, I get impatient and depressed with the cruelty of fate just like everyone else.

     Throughout life we all make choices. Sometimes they aren’t the best choices, but we rush forward anyways completely oblivious. You don’t realize that it is the wrong choice until after it is too late. Friends and relatives will try to beat sense into our noggins only to be rebuffed. Then hindsight sneaks up and takes a juicy bite out of you’re a$$, and you learn from it whether you want to or not. Somehow, someway you learn, and the next time around hopefully turns out a lot better. You make better choices and become more in tune with who you are, what you need, and what you want in life to finally grasp the brass ring of happiness.

  

   Most of us go through life frantically looking for the fairytale to the point we ignore what should have been obvious. You want the happy ever after so badly, you are willing to settle for the first a$$ or option that comes along no matter what your gut instinct tells you. I ignored my ex-husband’s drinking problem, I ignored the drugs, and believed like a complete idiot that once I was married that all that would change and life would be perfect. Even as the first bars of the wedding march began to play, I knew I was making a big mistake. I went right on ahead anyways not having the backbone at the time to run back up the aisle until I seen daylight. People do it all the time. I just didn’t have the balls. I believed in happily ever after in all circumstances.

     Sometimes you want something so badly that you rush into something and by rushing you end up royally screwed and with nothing. Like the house we tried to have built, we didn’t realize at the time we would have been a lot better off renting a house with the land we needed, or even attempting to buy it. No one could tell us different. The contractor in charge of the details filed bankruptcy and we got a royal screwing that left our credit shattered. You can bet, we learned from that mistake and ended up right where we should have all along.

     In hindsight, everything becomes crystal clear and eventually we all end up on the paths we were meant to travel on. We learn the hard way, one way or another, that things are just as they should be for better or for worse. With that said, in hindsight…our outlook becomes 20/20 and our vision for the present and the future becomes a little clearer. Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

It’s My Life, One Day at A Time!- BFF 130

     It’s my life, one day at a time with attitude. Isn’t it amazing that when you are a kid, even a teenager…your head is full to overflowing with dreams and big plans which include being rich and famous, the happily ever after, and the whole enchilada. I was no different than any other teenager. I had the world by the a$$ and had it all figured out, or so I thought.



    I graduated near the top of my class. The next four years were planned out. I was off to college, off to conquer the world, off to make a life for myself. It was going to be a great life. Then I went off to school and it did not turn out quite like I planned. I realized after a few short months that my heart just was not in it. I struggled. It turned out, it really was not where I belonged. I was homesick from the onset and drove 8 hours home every weekend.  Since I was in Nashville, Tennessee my mom could not resist having an excuse to spend time at the Opryland Hotel , visit, shop, and hang out whenever she could sneak away from home.  

      When my dad called up one day and told her she had to go home and deal with the leaves, I grabbed my a$$ and all my possessions, quit school, and went home too right behind her. Just like that. I remember being afraid to confront my Dad about quitting school.  It was to late to get any refund.   He came into my room and sat down on my bed, and was silent for a few minutes. I was bracing myself for a real telling off, when he shocked me by saying…”Well, since you are home and not doing anything else, how would you like to go to Disney World ??” Excuse me?? Sphincter says what??? Can I get a “Hell Yeah!!!” ?? Needless to say, my folks were the epitome of cool and deliciously unpredictable.

     I gave up all sense of planning the day my mother’s kidneys failed, and when she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma we began living each day as if it were her last. The day came when it was her last and all to soon, she was gone. In my overwhelming grief, my life whirled out of control, lost meaning, and direction. I quit planning and dreaming. It was an effort to get from one day to the next. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I went to work, and came home. I mourned, and did it well. Eventually my body rebelled. I developed a bleeding ulcer, lost oodles of weight, and after I collapsed at work, my family doctor sat me down and told me I had to get a grip. My mom wouldn’t want me like this. Slowly I returned to the land of the living determined that I would never hurt that badly ever again.  Seems like I had no control over that either.

     When I first became pregnant, I was caught up with the excitement of a new baby. I allowed myself to plan again with excitement. I had heard the baby’s heartbeat. I had felt the baby move. Then one day I went to have an ultrasound. The technician left me and came back with a phone saying my doctor wanted to speak to me. Over the phone he broke the news that my unborn baby was dead. My world shattered. My life fell back into the one day at a time pattern. I vowed no more plans, no more dreams, no more trying to get pregnant. I was done. I was prepared to take each day as it came and to quit hoping for tomorrow.  Much like Scarlett O'Hara, I swore not to think about that now...I would think about that tomorrow...or never if that was the way things went.

     As fate would have it, I was eventually blessed with a husband that I adore and two children who have become the light of my life. I have had homes, and lost them. I have lost even more family members to deaths unyielding grip.   Today I accept it as part of life. I live my life searching for everyday blessings,wisdom,  and invariably find humor and good in most everything. I no longer look past tomorrow, it is just enough to get through today. It’s my life, it’s now or never, one day at a time.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

Walking Away a Winner

      Have you ever noticed that sometimes walking away is the only way to move forward, grow, and ultimately win the brass ring of happiness??  Over the course of my life, I have walked away many times.  Whether it be from jobs, people, or bad situations, sometimes you simply have to.  No matter how much it tears at your heart, to move forward you have to walk away.  Ultimately it is a choice.  Do you choose to be someone’s doormat, or do you walk away?  Do you choose to be tormented, or do you walk away?  Do you choose to be a stay at home mom and lose the revenue or work and lose the opportunity to witness precious milestones?  

      There are some people who simply are a lost cause. I can actually name names, but I won’t.  Sad but true.  They live for the fight, the drama, and are constantly in a turmoil.  They are miserable people, and get their jollies on seeing how many folks they can make as miserable as they are.  I refuse to be involved with anyone or anything that gives me stress and drama.  I retreat from controversy.

      When given the option to stay or go… I am out the door, down the street,  moving so fast that the door barely has time to hit me in the a$$ on the way out.   Do I have regrets?? There probably would be something terribly wrong with me if I didn’t.  Still maintaining the peace and happiness in my own life is my primary concern.   I have walked away from people who proved to be nothing but pure poison in my life.  They thrived on stirring up trouble, fighting, and were always angry.   In their eyes, I could never do anything right anyways and eventually I simply gave up trying.  I walked away.    Any hopes of a reconciliation?  I have my doubts.  Je$u$ preaches forgiveness, and in my heart I believe I have let go, if not totally forgiven.  He is perfect and can, I unfortunately am not perfect and find the forgiveness issue a little harder to stomach.  The fact that I can’t forget keeps me from reaching out again.   Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.

     On the other end of the spectrum, I could never walk away from my husband, or my kids.  They are non-negotiable in my life. I love them unconditionally and they are stuck with me for better or for worse, and I will never leave them until the good L0rd calls me home.  At times, they may wish I would walk away and leave them alone.

     Unfortunately they are stuck with this crazy broad , and who knows…if I have my say, I will come back as a ghost and scare the be Je$u$ out of them when they least expect it because I’m that kind of girl.  Any way you look at it, I’m walking away a winner in the pursuit of happiness in my life leaving the drama behind me.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.