Time of My Life

     Time is a valuable commodity.   If you want it to pass quickly, it ticks by slowly.  If you want time to stop so you can savor a moment, you are out of luck.  Once it is gone there is no getting it back.   Sometimes I wonder why anyone would want to rush time.  A person tends to the younger you are.  I can’t wait to get to 16, so I can drive!!  I can’t wait to get to 21,  so I can drink and go to the bar!!  I constantly encourage my kids to savor their youth because it passes so quickly.  

     Once you get past 21, the exuberance begins to fade and the years start to speed up.  After a while, it is just another year that has passed.  Another year older, another year wiser and no worse for wear.  Another year to mellow, another year to up the level of pi$$ and vinegar in the old attitude.

        Who doesn’t wish they could have more time?  More time with that loved one that has passed away?  More time to finish a special project? More time in the day?  What a shock to the system to see loved ones laying lifeless in a casket who only moments before were laughing, loving, living, and breathing along side us!    I remember thinking that time would surely stop without my parents in my life.  To my shock, it didn’t.  My heart broke, but I survived because I had no choice.  Time marched on without them in it.  


      I wish I could freeze time so my kids could be little forever.  Unfortunately that isn’t possible either.   Only yesterday they were sweet babies in my arms and now they are off at school more days than they are not filling their minds with the knowledge they will need to get through life. 

         Every time my husband comes home it seems the time goes so quickly.  There is never enough time to be together or do everything that needs done.  I hate to see him go and  can’t wait until his return.  My life revolves around when he will come home and when school is in session.   Get the kids on the bus!!  Get the kids off the bus!!  Get the dogs out before they create Lake Michigan on the kitchen floor or deposit goody goody gum drops under the television!

         It seems only yesterday I married the love of my life.  Somehow time has passed.  We both look a little older and a little wiser.  We both have faced life’s sorrows and bitter disappointments and our faces have lost the shining optimism we once  felt  when we embarked on our life together.  We have lived in two homes, had two kids, lost family members to death’s unyielding grip, struggled, celebrated, and triumphed.  We are still standing here today, together regardless of life’s adversity.

           If anything, I have learned over the years to make the best of the time I have.  I live each day as if it were my last because it very well could be.   I remember those I have lost with melancholy and wish often they were still here.  I long for how it used to be.  Time waits for no one.  It has never waited for me.  The Bible says all of our days are numbered and each of our lives have purpose.  So I will continue on doing the best I can with what I have.  I will find happiness where I can.  I will treasure the happy times laced with giggles, smiles, and tenderness.  I will  persevere and survive the bad because I don‘t have a choice.  

      When the time comes for my life to end, I will know I have done everything possible to have made the most of the life given me.  I will have persevered and triumphed.   Really that is all anyone can hope for.  I will leave this earth knowing I truly have had the time of my life.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.

Longing For What I Can Never Have

       Longing.  I have a deep longing for the people who are lost to me.  It is an ache I carry with me daily and becomes even more severe on holidays and on special occasions.    This deep sense of loss I harbor deep within my soul I try to bury within me.  When first faced with this writing challenge, I struggled to write about what I deeply long for and settled instead for another longing which doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface to this one.

       Due to recent events, I feel it is best to proceed to write about this longing as a much needed release for my soul.  It seems impossible to imagine that it has already been over 18 years since my mom died, and over 7 years since I lost my dad.  Since their passing, grandparents , aunts, uncles, and a dear cousin have followed suit.  So many family members gone!  The people that made up the very fabric of my past are gone except for a distant memory and my heart aches for them.

       This week my son celebrated his 6th birthday.  It was bittersweet for me because neither of my parents ever had the chance to know him.  Even sadder, he never had the chance to know them.  He has never known the love, affection, and attention Grandparents can give.  The grandparents he is left with shun his and my daughter’s existence and completely bypassed his birthday.   A blessing of sort is that he didn’t even seem to notice.  If my parents would have lived, they would have showered both my children with love.  They would have been as proud of them as I am.    It is truly their loss.

         Grief is a powerful thing that even time can not completely diminish.  Life does go on, but memories linger.   I miss the family dinners, the laughter, and the feeling of belonging.   I miss the opportunities to share the everyday trials and joy of life.  I long to do so, but I can’t.   I long for the day when I too can go home to heaven and see them once again.   I long for the strength and insight to provide my children with all the love and encouragement they need to grow into happy adults.  I long for the laughter to overtake me when I am feeling so low.  I am thankful for the moments alone to rail, cry, and grieve in private so they will never know the suffering I feel on their behalf.   I long to erase the sorrow of what might have been.  I will continue to long for what hurts the most, what I can not have.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.