Longing For What I Can Never Have

       Longing.  I have a deep longing for the people who are lost to me.  It is an ache I carry with me daily and becomes even more severe on holidays and on special occasions.    This deep sense of loss I harbor deep within my soul I try to bury within me.  When first faced with this writing challenge, I struggled to write about what I deeply long for and settled instead for another longing which doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface to this one.

       Due to recent events, I feel it is best to proceed to write about this longing as a much needed release for my soul.  It seems impossible to imagine that it has already been over 18 years since my mom died, and over 7 years since I lost my dad.  Since their passing, grandparents , aunts, uncles, and a dear cousin have followed suit.  So many family members gone!  The people that made up the very fabric of my past are gone except for a distant memory and my heart aches for them.

       This week my son celebrated his 6th birthday.  It was bittersweet for me because neither of my parents ever had the chance to know him.  Even sadder, he never had the chance to know them.  He has never known the love, affection, and attention Grandparents can give.  The grandparents he is left with shun his and my daughter’s existence and completely bypassed his birthday.   A blessing of sort is that he didn’t even seem to notice.  If my parents would have lived, they would have showered both my children with love.  They would have been as proud of them as I am.    It is truly their loss.

         Grief is a powerful thing that even time can not completely diminish.  Life does go on, but memories linger.   I miss the family dinners, the laughter, and the feeling of belonging.   I miss the opportunities to share the everyday trials and joy of life.  I long to do so, but I can’t.   I long for the day when I too can go home to heaven and see them once again.   I long for the strength and insight to provide my children with all the love and encouragement they need to grow into happy adults.  I long for the laughter to overtake me when I am feeling so low.  I am thankful for the moments alone to rail, cry, and grieve in private so they will never know the suffering I feel on their behalf.   I long to erase the sorrow of what might have been.  I will continue to long for what hurts the most, what I can not have.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.
          

Sick Longing to Look Different

       I have longed to look different all my life.   Unfortunately I don’t live in the land where plastic surgery is free or cheap or undertaken as easily as a trip to the doctor for a pi$$ test.  I often reason that G0d certainly must have known what HE was doing when he made me, right??  He is not supposed to screw up and is supposed to have it planned in all His divine creations.   I will admit when I was little I was cute, but then around the time I went into second grade, my looks went south.  The question remains “Why should I fool with His ultimate creation??”  I can’t imagine people paying big bucks to alter what G0d in all his wisdom created or to pay some doctor to inflict them with pain when it isn‘t required to save their  life.  The passage of time and my own experience has convinced me that  G0d has one sick sense of humor!

         As an adolescent teenager I longed for big ta ta’s .   I thought they would be the answer to all my problems.  Seriously!  If I had big knockers certainly I would have a boyfriend.  They would forget the fact that I had got knocked upside the head with the ugly stick a few times.   My chest would hit them right between the eyes like a great big focal point and they would be enamored of me at first glance.   They would then give me a chance and discover what a true gem I am!!  Screwed up I know, but that is what I thought.  I remember my mom filling me with the belief that if I ate tons of cauliflower my chest would bloom to gargantuan proportions.   I was willing to try anything at that point.  I wanted to change my clothes, my hair, and my face if it would help.  Everyone wants to have friends and be loved and accepted.  

 

        As I grew older I got over this longing.  It helped once men began to notice I was actually alive, and once I met my husband I no longer needed to worry.  Then one fine day I got pregnant.  Be careful what you wish for!! For me, pregnancy equaled spending my days with my head in the toilet from conception to cesarean section.  By the time the day came for the baby to be born,  all I wanted was to not be pregnant anymore.  I was tired of bringing up everything I ate to be voted on.  Once she was born, I changed my tune.  She was alive, and she was perfect!!  Even though I refused to breast feed after her birth, my hooters grew to gargantuan proportions.  Be careful what you wish for!!  All that longing had caused my hooters to grow the size of cow udders!!  Not only that, the rest of me grew right along with it.  Middle age spread descended and thin and trim left the building!!  

     A lot of ladies out there long to change their appearance to the point they are willing to pay some fool thousands of dollars to slice them and dice them and insert artificial Ta ta’s under their skin.  Ouch!!  I guess I just am not crazy about the whole pain factor enough to go under the knife if I really don’t have to.  So even though it would be nice to slice the things that stick out a tad to far off my body,  I know better than to long for my girls to be smaller.  With my luck, that longing would  get me breast cancer and a double mastectomy in my future.  I sure don’t long for that.  So I will cease my longing because it has only got me in trouble in the past and be happy with the way I am avoiding mirrors at every turn.   Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a truckers wife.