Longing For What I Can Never Have

       Longing.  I have a deep longing for the people who are lost to me.  It is an ache I carry with me daily and becomes even more severe on holidays and on special occasions.    This deep sense of loss I harbor deep within my soul I try to bury within me.  When first faced with this writing challenge, I struggled to write about what I deeply long for and settled instead for another longing which doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface to this one.

       Due to recent events, I feel it is best to proceed to write about this longing as a much needed release for my soul.  It seems impossible to imagine that it has already been over 18 years since my mom died, and over 7 years since I lost my dad.  Since their passing, grandparents , aunts, uncles, and a dear cousin have followed suit.  So many family members gone!  The people that made up the very fabric of my past are gone except for a distant memory and my heart aches for them.

       This week my son celebrated his 6th birthday.  It was bittersweet for me because neither of my parents ever had the chance to know him.  Even sadder, he never had the chance to know them.  He has never known the love, affection, and attention Grandparents can give.  The grandparents he is left with shun his and my daughter’s existence and completely bypassed his birthday.   A blessing of sort is that he didn’t even seem to notice.  If my parents would have lived, they would have showered both my children with love.  They would have been as proud of them as I am.    It is truly their loss.

         Grief is a powerful thing that even time can not completely diminish.  Life does go on, but memories linger.   I miss the family dinners, the laughter, and the feeling of belonging.   I miss the opportunities to share the everyday trials and joy of life.  I long to do so, but I can’t.   I long for the day when I too can go home to heaven and see them once again.   I long for the strength and insight to provide my children with all the love and encouragement they need to grow into happy adults.  I long for the laughter to overtake me when I am feeling so low.  I am thankful for the moments alone to rail, cry, and grieve in private so they will never know the suffering I feel on their behalf.   I long to erase the sorrow of what might have been.  I will continue to long for what hurts the most, what I can not have.  Until next time when I give you another glimpse into the life of a trucker’s wife.